Genre
Platformer

Dominant Algorythm
Die/Allow Others To Die

Gameplay
From the beginning, this is a game about choice and exploration. You are presented with a map of Crystal Lake which is littered with cabins, forests, rocky caverns, a lake, and endless twisting trails to explore. There are 6 characters you can choose from (George, Mark, Paul, Laura, Debbie, and Crissy), each with their own health bar.

The implication is clear – This experience is going to actually mirror the movies accurately. You are responsible for herding a sextet of teens who are slowly going to get wasted by master of ceremonies, Jason Vorhees. Death is not something you can recover from with a 1-up, it is the end of a vital character. Losing a character means that you need to rethink your entire strategy.

That being said, you can save yourself a lot of trouble by not thinking too hard. Once you are in the actual game, getting the living shit stabbed out of you will be the main order of business. While the zombie horde is gnawing on you despite the rocks you throw at them, Jason will be stabbing people off screen (indicated by a timer counting down and kids disappearing from the roster). If you arrive in time to save someone, Jason will probably be there to stab you. Maybe he’s sick of getting stabbed himself.

Strangely though, it’s never frustrating. Perhaps it’s the richly rendered environments that make the game a pleasure.

Perhaps its the gusto with which your avatar jumps that keeps the mood light. As they say, altitude affects attitude.

Perhaps it’s the fact that you are only given one instruction at the start of the game. An instruction that has absolutely nothing to do with killing Jason.

Perhaps it is the Crystal Lake boat excursions that, despite the lack of dolphins doing flips and shit, are pretty enjoyable.

Whatever it is, LJN actually did something right for a change.

SWEETNESS
Jason murders with enough raw force to knock people right out of the frame.

When was the last time you stabbed someone so hard that it broke the 4th wall? Probably never.

WEAKNESS
If your goal is to “win”, every corner of this game embodies “weakness” and you shouldn’t touch it with a 10 foot machete. However, if your goal is to watch a group of kids get picked off by a sadistic murderer, than this is the game for you.

LESSONS LEARNED

1. If you can’t avoid the carnage, at least you can enjoy the view
2. When it is your turn to go, stand directly in front of the stab-happy hulk-zombie and take it like a man.
3. Although LJN is responsible for some weak adaptations, the volume of work they did and the scope of each game they created deserves respect.

CULTURAL RELEVANCE
The roster, limited though it may be, implies a significant part of gaming evolution – multiple protagonists. Due to the limitations on previous hardware, there was neither the need nor the ability to distinguish multiple leads, especially in the action genre. Pac-Man’s task was so simple that there would be no way to implement variety over multiple Pac-Men. Early Pac-Man sequels saw mostly cosmetic improvements until Pac-Mania brought about actual game-play changes.

There is no straight line that connects single-protagonist action games to the multi-protagonist adentures we know today. That line curves directly through the RPG genre via Dungeons and Dragons derived character classes. Such distinctions were possible to implement even on the ancient hardware with limited processing power. Combat in early RPGs was turn-based and delivered via text with character nuances manifesting in the form of variable changes in relatively simple algorythms.

These character nuances were the easiest thing to replicate in the RPG experience. The Dungeon Master uses dice as a random generator and a calculator to deal with the math involved in RPG combat. Seeing as calculators and random generators were some of the earliest applications of digital processing, the real challenge was replicating the DM’s ability to communicate a coherent story and realizing a vivid world in the players’ imaginations.

It makes sense that the earliest action adaptors of character classes were in the fantasy genre. This can be seen in games like Gauntlet, which owes a huge dept to D&D. The multiple characters fit into the typical fantasy tropes: a wizard, a warrior, an elf, and a sexy babe without much clothing. The concept of character classes might have seen their action debut in the arcades, but the concept of multiple protagonists was strictly a console brew.

Games like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Friday The 13th required that the user develop their strategy based on a set roster of characters with variant skills. Players learn which characters are needed for certain situations. Those characters must be preserved while the others become punching bags to get through the grind.

The concept of multiple protagonists recently hit an apex with The World Ends With You. Instead of switching out characters during the action sequences, TWEWY employs the touch pad and the directional pad separately so that the user can have complete control over two characters simultaneously.

However, multiple protagonist gaming wasn’t the only way in which the NES allowed users to employ the powers of multiple characters dynamically. Next week, we will look at an NES classic that features a single protagonist but eschews the concept of a single skill set. It’s a big’un, but I won’t tell you the title. First person to guess correctly receives a +1 Charisma stat boost.

Jesse Koester is a film producer working in Tokyo. His work can be seen at www.iceblockfilms.com. And, yes, he does have the power to give you a +1 Charisma stat boost.

Give a hoot! Read a back entry in this series!

Nightmare On Elm Street
Fester’s Quest
Magmax
Toobin’
Castlevania
Rush’N Attack
Pipe Dream
Kirby’s Adventure
Marble Madness
Codename: Viper
Wario’s Wood
3D World Runner
Goonies 2
Punch Out!

Genre
Platformer

Dominant Algorythm
1… 2…/Freddy’s Coming for you

Gameplay
The game is actually rich with a variety of game-play elements. Unfortunately, not one of these elements was refined to the point any aspect of this game could be considered fun.

You roam around Elm Street trying to collect Freddy’s bones (or wrenches, it’s hard to tell which). When you are asleep, the baddies are really wicked, like the devil or ghosts.

But, kicking a radio will wake you up and return things to slightly less haunted. But, still haunted. Just less.

Collect all the bones and you can fight a boss (lucky you). Every now and then, Freddy will show up and slash around. It is your responsibility to punch him until he runs away.

Sweetness
Fred Krueger.

Also, the game doesn’t have a pause screen. The programmers were thinking too far outside the box for something so mundane.

Weakness
Everything else. In particular, screens so over-loaded with sprites that they glitch.

The real kicker about that is that the frame is unfathomably empty and boring. The color scheme is mundane and the actual sprites are taking up a tiny portion of the screen. But, somehow it’s still too much. Go figure.

Invaluable Life Lesson Which I Still Apply To This Day

1. Whatever you do, don’t go to sleep.

But Is It Still Fun?
Nope. Never was, really.

Relevance Satellite to the Paradigm Shift From my Youth
This game was programmed by by a company called LJN, who was responsible for a mountain of film-to-game adaptations, many of them mediocre (even for adaptations). As we discussed before, Nintendo had strict limitations on how many games any given company could release in 1 year. Companies like Tengen tried to get around this limitation by breaching patent law and stealing the lock-out chip.

However, LJN was an example of a much cleaner solution to the problem. LJN was actually a division of Acclaim Entertainment, a company keen to capitalize on the money-making potential of the NES. Let’s do some math:

Nintendo’s intended equation: D x 5 = G, where D=developer & G=games produced annually by D.

Resultant equation: (D+S) x 5 = G, where S=number of subsidiaries of developer

Acclaim wasn’t the only company to invest in multiple external development houses. Those Ultra games you played? They were all Konami games.

The wackiest thing about Acclaim outsourcing to LJN was that LJN didn’t have any in-house developers. They outsourced to other programmers.

Mixed Media (click to enlarge)
In the 80′s, Freddy Mania had consumed the nation (whatever that means). And with it came the crappy plastic crap. But, Freddy was host to some of the strangest merchandise on the market. For example:

Don’t you remember doing The Freddy with your best girl at the senior prom. Who doesn’t? The best thing about that track is Robert Englund, who is clearly enjoying himself.

Stress at work making your veins pop out your forehead? Try this fantastic product. It’s called a Squish’em, but why limit yourself? Not only can you squish, but you can also squash, flatten, and/or floor ‘em.

Stress at work causing premature pattern male baldness? Tell your boss off by having Freddy spit in his fucking face with the Freddy Fright Squirter!!! Freddy’s glee is palpable. Yours will be too.

For the man with discerning taste, consider this luxury yo-yo. Notice the quality craftsmanship of the on-orb art. Behold the stellar image alteration in which they took a promo still of Freddy and added on a couple yo-yo strings to make it look like he’s having a grand old time. But, aren’t the blades supposed to be on the right hand?

Let’s round things off with a stellar interview with Robert himself:

Next week: Another LJN Classic – Friday The 13th. Be there.

Jesse Koester is a film producer working in Tokyo. His work can be seen at www.iceblockfilms.com. Jesse is also coming for you.

Previously on NESessties of Life….
Fester’s Quest
Magmax
Toobin’
Castlevania
Rush’N Attack
Pipe Dream
Kirby’s Adventure
Marble Madness
Codename: Viper
Wario’s Wood
3D World Runner
Goonies 2
Punch Out!

Genre
Action/Adventure

Dominant Algorythm
Get Gun/Lose Gun

Gameplay
The Addams Family started
When Uncle Fester farted
They all became retarded
The Addams Family

We can assume that this rich mythology was the reason Sunsoft and Nintendo felt compelled to give Uncle Fester his own game on the NES. And, what exactly did Sunsoft fart out?

From an overhead view, you control Uncle Fester as he roams the neighborhood, office buildings, and sewers trying to save the neighborhood from an alien invasion. Why all this responsibility is placed on Fester’s shoulder is unclear. Especially when you consider that Gomez is known to be exceedingly gymnastic and a master of the epee.

But, you’re not alone. Occasionally your family will throw you a bone.

Want some TNT? Pugsly’s ready for you.

In addition to these power-ups, the neighborhood is littered with money, keys, light-bulbs, and guns.

Sweetness
Games that take place in an placid neighborhood are always enjoyable. There’s just something pleasant about helping the community.

Weakness
With only two health blocks to your name, you can expect to see this a lot:

A blow softened by an excellent font.

Also, while the blue gun blocks power your weapon up, the red blocks bring it down. Sometimes, those red gun blocks mean you have to stand and wait to get through a narrow passage.

Invaluable Life Lessons Which I Still Apply To This Day

1. There are always new corners of your neighborhood ripe for exploration.
2. Have faith in your family, they will turn up to help you in your darkest hour
3. Keys open doors. Lights illuminate the dark. TNT kills aliens.

But Is It Still Fun?

Yes, but not for long. This can fill up a good 30 minutes once a year and fill it well. But, not a penny more.

Relevance Satellite to the Paradigm Shift From my Youth
I had been infatuated with Angelica Houston since she undulated so gracefully at the thought of turning a boy into a rat.

Shortly there-after, she confirmed everything my ten-year-old self suspected to be erotic when she assumed the role of Morticia in The Addams Family. We had collections of Charles Addams’ comics in our house and I read them regularly, so I knew what a lovely creature Morticia was meant to be and eagerly anticipated her big-screen realization.

The woman delivered in spades.

Morticia only makes a brief appearance in this game to give you a whip. However, that was more than enough for me. Even my tween self could enjoy the idea of spending time alone with Angelica Houston in a giant mansion with naught but a whip and the smell of old oak.

Fan Art (click to enlarge)
To hell with the fans. Let’s look at some Charles Addams comics that AREN’T about The Addams Family. The brilliance of Addams’ comics isn’t just the gags (which are always fresh and surprising), it’s how little of his frames are dedicated to the gag, leaving over 75% of the image to atmosphere.

The joke is simple here: The criminals are dumb, someone catches them on it (a concept that sustained 4 Home Alone movies). But, there are a mountain of ingredients on top of the joke that give this comic lasting impact. The stormy sky, the endless rolling hills broken only by two dead trees, the car stopped making sure its safe (cluing us in to the fact that most traffic around this area isn’t local), the stray cat, the destitute poverty of the person interrupting the murder (whose laundry consists of one wife-beater and a single sock), the fact that the victim doesn’t appear to be a mafia type but a banker… It all adds up to something greater than the sum of the parts. Charles Addams didn’t make comics, he made paintings with punchlines.

Let’s continue the tour.

Again, the joke occupies less than 20% of the frame. The rest is dedicated to communicating destitution and misery. Not only is her product worthless, but she has chosen the worst spot possible to sell it – outside the city walls, where only one set of foot-prints breaks up her day. Yet, she stands unmoving, her bare feet slowly getting buried in snow.

Sometimes, the gag occupies less that 10% of the frame. In such cases, it is your responsibility to find it.

Usually, his gags are indicative of a world that is horrifically incorrect. Sometimes, it’s the communities that are incorrect.

Sometimes, it’s the individual members.

Sometimes, it’s business.

Sometimes, it’s crime.

And, sometimes, it’s something else.

Something darker and haunted.

Jesse Koester is a film producer working in Tokyo. His work can be seen at www.iceblockfilms.com. Jesse also uses the over-head shooting engine originally developed for Blaster Master.

Genre
Rail Shooter

Dominant Algorithm
Grind D-Pad/Grind Fire Button

Gameplay
The rail shooter genre is one that has yet to break its own definitions. While RPGs have seen incredible advancements as they moved away from turn-based battles and and towards more dynamic combat, rail shooter stay the same. Action/Adventure games, once host to stories never more complicated than “Save The Princess Quick”, have delivered some of the most rewarding story-telling experiences in gaming (I’m looking at you, Braid).

Yet, as the world continues to shift and grow, rail shooters remain the same. Here’s the process:

1. Player shoots enemies
2. Player collects upgrades
3. Screen fills up with enemies
4. Player gets hit/loses upgrades
5. Player rinses and repeats

Magmax is a slave to this formula, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing seeing as the formula is fundamentally enjoyable. Perhaps the beauty of the simplicity is the reason so much remains the same.

Here are Magmax’s humble beginnings. Naught more than a single star-ship on a launch pad.

From there, the upgrades slowly flow in. As with most rail shooters, those upgrades are themselves the sweetness of the game. Let’s examine.

Sweetness
Picking up a laser camera and being able to shoot a vibrating laser out of your crotch is sweetness in its purest form. This is a talent I dream of one day possessing.

Slap on a pair of high-heels and this is the most bad-ass tranny to dodge lava and slap diamonds with his magic electric dick.

Weakness
The visual splendor of modern gaming obliterates the classics. Let’s take a look at the many and varied types of worlds you will eventually traverse.

The Action Packed Desert

The Action Packed Plains

The Action Packed Ocean

Invaluable Life Lessons Which I Still Apply To This Day

1. Giant robots kick ass (NOTE: This was NOT the only piece of media that made a case for this argument)
2. Buy a controller with turbo-fire.
3. Physical contact with other creatures is fundamentally undesirable. Touch only robotic components for companionship and assistance.

Still Fun?
As fun as the genre can be. This game adheres to the rules as if they were law. If you like piloting rocket ships and shooting electric robotic jelly-fish, then this is the game for you.

Relevance Satellite to the Paradigm Shift From my Youth
Back in the day, there were games you had and games your friends had. This cart fell into the latter category. I would go to my friend’s house to play the game and, despite the extra hours afforded by a sleep-over, the schedule was tight.

After dinner, we would unfold the living-room couch and stack the carts up in anticipation of the evening ahead. Among them were Q-Bert, Sesame Street Math, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, whatever I brought over, and Magmax.

From there, the routine was simple. The first step was to respectfully acknowledge his mother’s request that we not play too much and try to get some sleep. Once she was content with our promises, there was nothing to do but plug away until we crashed out. Lord knows, we did everything we could not to crash out because we knew the law of the land come Sunday morning.

Two mandates were firmly in place at his house. First, the television was used to watch the news in the morning. Second when the sun was out, children were expected to leave the house and wrap their minds around nature for a bit.

It was actually a lot less terrible than you might imagine, exploring the rolling fields and mores of Pennsylvania. There was a creek and a church and wooded areas and wheat fields to explore. You know, the kind of shit that would make Mark Twain cream his jeans.

This game is forever embedded in my mind with those sleep-overs and explorations.

I can practically smell the hand-sewn quilts that lined that living room every time I see the title screen.

Jesse Koester is a film producer working in Tokyo. His work can be seen at www.iceblockfilms.com. Jesse has found a way to use memories as a type of drug, simultaneously sedating and stimulating himself with bygone images flashing on the backs of his eye-lids.

Genre
Racing

Dominant Algorithm
Get Ready/Toob

Gameplay
Put your gnarly butt in that inner-toob, radical dood and toobe a toobular river! Or, something like that. You know you are in for a most non-heinous journey down the Okefenokee when the programmers of the game eschew the proper spelling of Tubing for something like TOOBIN’.

Tack on a half-baked attack system where you chuck cans of pop at off-river obstacles and you’ve got another Tengen classic.

Sweetness
The game induces minimal stress. The easy-going title is the perfect precursor to the adventures coming your way. Even the Game Over screen lets you down easy.

Why the ‘O’ looks like a smiling cyclops is beyond me…

Weakness
The game sucks.

You might think that’s the same screen shot from above. I assure you it’s not. The game is a marvel of shitty, repetitive graphics. Case in point:

Invaluable Life Lessons Which I Still Apply To This Day

1. Any pieces of entertainment media with extreme slang in the title usually blow, bro. (See Also: Yo! Noid!; Except: Skitchin’)
2. Races need not be for the quick. Some races are mellow journeys of self discovery in the hot summer sun, bro.
3. Beware the Tengen carts. They are a risky bunch, bro.

Still Fun?
No. If you’re not bored to death from the first level, don’t worry. You’ll never beat the second one (like there’s a reason to, bro).

Relevance Satellite to the Paradigm Shift From my Youth
Tengen was a subsidiary to Atari, who had effectively ruined home gaming with their stupid ET game. When the name became a burden, Atari formed another company called Tengen in hopes of recovering some of their street cred. There are two easy ways to identify a Tengen game (if seeing the word TENGEN on the side of the box and cart isn’t easy enough.

1) The carts were shaped different from official Nintendo carts:

2) There is a conspicuous absence of the official Nintendo Seal of Quality on the box.

Initially, Tengen was reluctant to agree to Nintendo’s strict publishing contracts (which included such stipulations as 2-year exclusivity for all titles and refusal to allow more than 5 titles per year from any developer). These rules were put in place to avoid another market collapse like what was seen on the Atari.

Knowing that the contracts were designed to avoid a repeat of the damage Atari had done, it’s no surprise that Nintendo wasn’t going to be lenient with these rules for an Atari subsidiary.

Nintendo built all games with a lock-out chip. If the carts didn’t have this chip, then the games wouldn’t work. Programmers at Tengen tried unsuccessfully to replicate the chip, but the encryption was too complicated and they never cracked the code. Instead, they requested the original lock-out chip & scripting from the US Copyright office under the auspice that they needed it as evidence for litigation they were planning against Nintendo. They got the specs and were able to replicate the chip, going on to produce a series of games which were not approved by Nintendo.

Needless to say, Nintendo was not happy. Their lawyers came in like tanks.

Ironically, the fictional litigation that Tengen used to get the chip and code resulted in actual litigation in which Nintendo accused them of stealing their protected technologies.

Nintendo won.

It was this methodical control of the games and technologies that allowed Nintendo to save the gaming industry from the wreck that Atari left behind. However, this approach cost them dearly in the 3rd generation with the release of the Nintendo 64.

But, that’s a story for another night, kiddies.

Fan Art
Yeah right. Like anyone is going to do loving oil renditions of the lone beach bum who populated this stinker.

Seeing as the fan art is sparse, I will give you instead who I imagine Tengen imagined their target market to be.

RADICAL!

AWESOME!

GNARLY!

PUMPIN!

BODACIOUS

CHEVY NOVA?

Jesse Koester is a film producer working in Tokyo. His work can be seen at www.iceblockfilms.com. You will never crack the 10JES Chip. And if you do, I will drown you under an avalanche of litigation even if Gauntlet and Golden Ax are fun.

Genre
Action

Dominant Algorithm
Whip It/Whip It Good

Gameplay
You assume the persona of Simon Belmont, a vampire hunter. Simon whips his way through Castlevania, a castle. There are power-ups along the way and the standard dangers known to side-scrolling adventures (moving platforms, pits, a deluge of enemies).

Considering the game’s subsequent legacy, the first incarnation is disconcertingly free from things like ‘story’, ‘characters’, and ‘plot’. Belmont simply walks up to the castle and enters. From there, it’s bloody carnage until the credits roll.

Sweetness
Konami games, as we’ve discussed, often lean towards the amazing. In Goonies 2, it was the difficulty ramp and the sense of exploration that made the game fun. Castlevania hit on something entirely different but just as important: atmosphere. As you play, you get the feeling that there are vast and important things just outside the scope of your character’s perspective.

The torn curtains and cracked walls tell a tale of violence past but not forgotten.

Beyond the stone pillars, dusk is falling. What nightmares lay just beyond the setting sun?

The NES hardware allowed for 48 colors and 5 shades of gray. That is considerably less than the millions of colors we now take for granted on all displays, from cell-phone handsets to hi-def TVs. Konami managed to create incredibly evocative images despite the hardware limitations.

I count 7 unique colors in the above image and it still captures the foreboding mystery the series is famous for.

Weakness
The controls. TThe infinitely frustrating controls. Simon is beyond sluggish. He moves at about half the speed of his demonic opponents. To add insult (and often more injury) to injury, he also suffers from Megaman Syndrome (the disease than makes you fly backwards, frequently down a pit, when you are touched by an object that has been defined as an enemy).

Invaluable Life Lessons Which I Still Apply To This Day

1. Simon Belmont runs around a dream castle collecting hearts and he is still a badass.
2. Simon Belmont is a self-described “prima-ballerina” and he is still a badass.
3. Simon Belmont is the most badass homosexual in gaming to date.

Still Fun?
It’s difficult to write this game off as ‘fun’ knowing that Symphony of the Night is out there as well as a host of titles on the DS. As one of those legendary “games that started it all”, it is interesting. Unfortunately, the game shows a bit too much age in terms of controls and limited story.

Relevance Satellite to the Paradigm Shift from my Youth
The series holds 7 (count ‘em, 7) Guinness world records including “Most Games in an Action Adventure Series” and “Largest Number of Platformers in One Series” The surprising thing is, most of these entries aren’t just good, they are great.

The franchise has dipped into 3D a couple times, with severely diminished returns. In a series that places such high value on lush art and detailed design, polygons simply don’t offer the visual precision necessary to suck the user in to the world.

This series also joins Mario and Zelda in a trend that was evidence of an industry still trying to define itself in its early, infantile stage:

1st Game – Introduce the staples of the franchise, blow minds
2nd Game – Play with the formula a bit too much and confuse everyone
3rd/Subsequent Games – Back to the basics, expand on them, birth a classic

Fan Art
I hate to say it, but the fans can get stuffed this time around. From here straight through the comments section, you are getting nothing but paintings by Ayami Kojima. Any and all dissenters with be drowned in a pool of Holy Water and decapitated with a razor-edged boomerang. To soften the blow, we will start off with awesome big-boobie babes and then move on to tubular effeminate dudes.

See? Now this is what Castlevania is all about. Her cups runneth over.

This is slightly more modest, but still lush art. While on the small end of the spectrum in the gaming world, that buxom would be considered more than ample in the real world.

This is the miracle of Ayami’s art style. At a glance, this looks to be natural. But, look closer. Each breast is larger than this blond waif’s head. How does that work?

Enough women. Let’s … ahem … get into some of the men of Castlevania. Nothing says battle-ready like a pair of knee-high leather boots with 2-inch heels.

Looks like someone is about to administer a big-old spanking.

This dude is a little thin for my taste.
Hyuk hyuk hyuk~

Even Ayami’s ugly characters are gorgeous.

And, a little bit of booby bondage bat babe to round things off.

All right, internets: When did this series peak? Was it Symphony of the Night? Castlevania 3? Or, was it one of the DS iterations that really made you happy?

Oh, and Castlevania 64 is the wrong answer.

Jesse Koester is a film producer working in Tokyo. His work can be seen atwww.iceblockfilms.com. Jesse supports 5 sound channels. And don’t be surprised if he allocates one of the channels designed for sound-effects for the percussion in the music.

Genre
Action

Dominant Algorithm
Rush/Attack

Gameplay
Run right, young soldier! Run right stopping only to stab. And, when you are done stabbing, stab some more. Should your blade dull, steal the enemies shoulder cannon and shoot. Shoot straight, young soldier.

STAB STAB STAB!!!

Sweetness
The sweetness is right there in the title. As a kid, I didn’t once consider that the title was spelled “Rush’N Attack”. It was always and only Russian Attack. Such transparent propaganda is the definition of sweetness. It is sweetness extract.

Weakness
This game basically took the two greatest curses of 8-bit gaming and fused them inextricably. It is hard as hell with mind-numbingly dull backgrounds.

Some of these games are just as visually mundane as they want to be.

Invaluable Life Lessons Which I Still Apply To This Day:

1. Russians are a weak breed. One stab with a little knife, even in the ankle, and they fall quicker than the Iron Curtain.
2. As per tradition: one lone soldier, equipped with naught but a knife, can fell a continent.
3. Just imagine how sweet it would be to shoot missiles at mountains. This thought can consume a young man for hours on end.

Still Fun?
Yeah. But only if you don’t have access to Code Name: Viper. It’s basically the same game with crappier graphics and less variety of play.

Relevance Satellite to the Paradigm Shift from my Youth:
This game is an effective introduction to war propaganda. The “Kill Them All” mentality compliments the double-entendre of the title. The enemies are weak but plentiful and the level backgrounds depict endless rows of tanks and missiles ready for launch.

The enemies in Code Name: VIPER were all members of a drug cartel, a plot point used to justify their deaths. In Rush’n Attack, their crime is being a commie. Their sentence, death.

McCarthy would piss himself with joy had he lived to see this game.

Fan Art:
Fan Art is not guaranteed on these old games. Rush’N Attack is among the games that never inspired mountains of ironic portraiture. So, instead of including fan art, I am just going to post the strangest pictures that came up on Google Images when I searched “Rush’N Attack art”.

Ah! The power of sun… AKA SUNPOWER!

This dude is certified handsome.

File under: “Questions guaranteed to never offend anyone anywhere ever.”

Settle down, internet. I know how you feel about Anne Frank jokes.

God only knows how Google’s algorythms linked this to Rush’N Attack.

The lame/awesomeness of community theater.

By the way, any requests for next week’s column?

Jesse Koester is a film producer working in Tokyo. His work can be seen at www.iceblockfilms.com. Jesse’s disk system is the only way to play DokiDoki Panic, the game that was later re-appropriated for Super Mario Brothers 2.

Genre
Puzzle

Dominant Algorithm
Tile placement/Goo

Gameplay
Tapping into the same sense of wonder that all children associate with the field of blue-collar labor, Pipe Dream tasks you with the ever-thrilling enterprise of connecting steel pipes so that fluid can flow through them freely. Knowing that just placing pipes on a grid wouldn’t be enough to pump kids up, the programmers added a challenge – the fluid that will be carried through the pipes is already flowing. You have to work quickly to make sure the slow-moving goo doesn’t spill everywhere.

Basically, your responsibility is to turn mundane this:

Into fabulous that:

You may now return from the edge of your seats. I know that this is really exciting.

Sweetness
Menial, repetitive task allows the user to experience the trance state that a plumber experiences. Unlike actual plumbing, user’s muscles may effectively atrophy by not making them actually pick up a wrench.

Weakness
While taking a few fantastic liberties with the vocation, the game is pretty effective in how well it emulates the thrill of plumbing.

Invaluable Life Lessons Which I Still Apply To This Day:

1. With a bit of practice, you can do anything. Even plumb!
2. Plumbers are rewarded for making loop-ditty-loops to confuse the fluid passing through the pipes.
3. Just sit back and imagine gallons of sticky white goo pumping endlessly through long, hard tubes. That’s it. There you go. So much sticky white goo. Focus on that image. endlessly flowing sticky white goo. And, if you aren’t careful, **SPLASH** sticky white goo will come out of the pipe and slop everywhere! **SPLASH SPLASH** Goo everywhere! That sticky white goo mess is so sticky and gooey that cleaning it up is impossible. Just leave it there to crust over and get started on pumping the next load of sticky white goo through the next tube.

Still Fun?
Not fun, per se, but an excellent menial task to occupy your mind with if you’re riding the train or laid up in a hospital bed.

Actually, scratch that. I played this game for two days straight when I was laid up in a hospital bed. The combination of gaming, heavy medication, and my own biological systems collapsing internally led to a nightmare that I was a tile in the game. The pipes were connecting me to hundreds of corpses and pumping our innards to and fro. I felt so many levels of decay pass through my body in that dream that I haven’t played the game since.

Relevance Satellite to the Paradigm Shift from my Youth:
The title of the game is an idiom in the English language that means an unrealistic dream or overly-fantastic idea. The origin of this phrase is from opium dens where people would smoke opium pipes and then have balls-out nutty ideas and dreams. Between the thoroughly explored issue of sticky white goo pumping out everywhere and the types of ideas you have while cranked out on opium, this game is amazing.

One can assume that this game was made based on the popularity of Mario, who was by trade a plumber. Perhaps the folks at LucasArts thought the concept of laying pipe would really resonate with the children.

Fan Art:
Unfortunately, the concept of hewing pipes together was not incredibly resonant with budding artists in the late 80′s/early 90′s. However, there are a couple pictures floating around the internet that are related. These are those:

See? Now, that’s just cute.

Though not a gaming site, www.thereifixedit.com is pretty fun to look at.

“That’s the mentality here. That’s the reality here. Did I hear somebody say they want to challenge me here?” – Eminem

I don’t know why that picture makes me think of that quote.

Jesse Koester is a film producer working in Tokyo. His work can be seen at www.iceblockfilms.com. Jesse’s most infamous problem is a blinking red power light.

Genre
Action

Dominant Algorithm
Run/Jump/Fly

Style (Delivered in Pun Form)
Eat-Cute

Game play
You are the guide as Kirby goes on his titular adventure. Navigate a variety different worlds, eating enemies and absorbing their powers as you go. These worlds are each littered with mini-bosses and punctuated with a maxi-boss.

The world-map unfolds in a unique manner. As you complete levels, portions of the map will become accessible. However, gaining full access to the world-map is dependent on you finding all the secrets in each level. The system is inventive without ever feeling oppressive. It never punishes you for speeding through the game, only rewards you for exploration.

Weakness
For how sophisticated the game play is, the backgrounds are surprisingly bland and repetitive. Despite the clever names applied to the various worlds, they all look that same.

Invaluable Life Lessons Which I Still Apply To This Day:

1. You can absorb the strength of your foes by eating them whole.
2. Rewards are granted through ambitious exploration and confident adventuring. Never back down from the mysterious or the unknown.
3. Go for the gold! Even though the small prize might be easier to catch, the big one is worth more. And, with a little bit of careful timing, you will catch it. YOU WILL ACHIEVE YOUR DREAM! KEEP DREAMING, YOU BEAUTIFUL DREAMER!

Still Fun?
Yes. Tight controls, creative game-play, a lead as cute as a button… It all adds up to a perfect storm of 8-bit entertainment. The graphics aren’t anything to write home about. But, even that axiom isn’t universally true. Step out onto the edge of a castle tower and Kirby’s world is rendered in a 3D far beyond what the hardware should be rendering.

Also, languages:

Relevance Satellite to the Paradigm Shift from my Youth:
Kirby was a late generation NES game. At the time of its release, all the major puzzles regarding the system programming had been solved. This allowed the programmers to focus on making the variety of play as diverse and responsive as possible. Furthermore, this was programmed by HAL Laboratories, no strangers to engaging game play (see also: Earthbound).

The NES allows for up to 64 sprites to be displayed at a single time. In an effort to allow more simultaneous characters on screen, the models are fairly small in this game. Hi-def gaming now standard, the experience playing feels positively quaint. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself squinting from time to time.

Kirby was way ahead of the Mario curve in terms of world naming. It wasn’t until the Super Nintendo that Miyamoto was naming the worlds after foods. As early as 1993, Kirby was exploring such needlessly cute-name arenas like the Vegetable Valley, Grape Garden, and Orange Ocean.

Also, the game starts out with a brief tutorial on how to draw Kirby. You can rest assured: There is fan art for this game. Let’s start out with the gory stuff:

Moving on to cute:

And finally, the monochromatic:

Jesse Koester is a film producer working in Tokyo. His work can be seen at www.iceblockfilms.com. Jesse’s pitch bend feature supports frequencies from 54Hz to 28kHz.

Genre
Uhhhh… hell if I know

Dominant Algorythm
Roll/Swear/Throw Controller

Gameplay
It couldn’t be simpler. You use the d-pad to tell a marble which direction it should go in a series of increasingly complicated Echer-esque maze towers. The physics engine is as dense as one could be considering the hardware. The marble is affected not only by the users influence but also such variables as gravity, friction, wind, angle of incidence and collisions.

Sweetness
Interesting physics and clever level design will keep you fascinated. There are surprises around ever corner. No gag is doubled up in this game.

Weakness
The physics are overly ambitious and occasionally feel inconsistent. While not a deal breaker, it does put a strain on the relationship occasionally.

Invaluable Life Lessons Which I Still Apply To This Day:

1. The game will randomly give you a 10 second bonus from time to time. However, it will never randomly punish you. This is an appropriate way to behave. Surprise the people you care about with small tokens of generosity. Let the natural flow of the universe deliver the challenges.
2. Working with a partner can be heaps of fun or pure torture depending on the people involved and the ultimate goals.
3. Everything you know is wrong.

Still Fun?
Absolutely. This is a masterpiece of creativity that will consistently surprise and challenge you from beginning to end. It’s a shame that this is the only game in the genre.

Relevance Satellite to the Paradigm Shift from my Youth:
Very little, which is strange. Upon its release, the arcade cabinet shot up to the biggest money-maker at the time. It was among the first games to have true stereo sound and an original score. It is recognized in the Guiness Book for its “technical, creative and cultural impact”. The game was subsequently ported to a multitude of home consoles, with RARE (of Battletoad fame) handling the port to the NES, selling well on nearly all of them. A 17-level sequel was developed and tested but never received a wide release.

Since then, the game and the genre it invented have largely remained dormant.

Fan art is scarce, but if you want to see the whole sha-bang-a-bang, here it is:

Also, it’s not fan art, but here is some concept art from when the game was being designed. Note the things that didn’t make it into the final version, a swaying platform and a teeter-totter scale.

All right. You got me. There is one piece of fan art out there. It can be found at BLOWN UP.

Jesse Koester is a film producer working in Tokyo. His work can be seen at www.iceblockfilms.com. Jesse had a modem in Japan, but it was only used for financial services.

Genre
Action

Dominant Algorithm
See dudes/Waste dudes

Game-play
You are Mr. Smith, A.K.A. Codename: VIPER. It is your right and responsibility to shoot your way across the entire continent of South America taking out an endless barrage of (literally) faceless thugs.

Walk. Shoot. Jump. Shoot. Walk. Load up on ammo. Shoot. Throw in the occasional environmental hazards and, while not the most original side-scroller ever invented, you certainly have a solid gaming experience.

Sweetness
Lovingly rendered sprites and environments, a gun that vaporizes bad-guys as they crumble in agony, and a third-act twist that will stop your pulse cold in your veins leave this game overflowing with sweetness.

No doubt, that man is deserving of all Smith’s trust.

Weakness
Smith/Viper (same guy) really didn’t prepare well for this mission. He’s taking on the entire drug cartel of South America and he doesn’t even consider bringing a bullet proof vest. Being touched twice or shot once kills him.

Also, the game suffers from Megaman Syndrome, a term increasingly recognized in the medical community. This is the phenomenon that occurs when a character is hit and they instantly lose control of their body as they fly backwards, typically down a pit.

Invaluable Life Lessons Which I Still Apply To This Day:

1. Hostages are obliged to maintain good manners during their rescue.
2. If you find yourself on a rescue mission, don’t dilly dally or you will likely rescue not more than bleach-white skeletons. Should have gotten there sooner, Smith.
3. Regarding the War on Drugs, the following equation is infallible: 1(dude)+1(handgun)/South America=Victory

Still Fun?
Crazy fun! Despite easy death, the controls are tight and the visuals are superb in this game. Also, the manner in which the story unfolds (through the incremental re-assembly of a letter) is quite interesting.

And the twist… oh, the twist!!! If M. Night ever plays this game, he will likely drop dook!

Relevance Satellite to the Paradigm Shift from my Youth:
This game is another entry in the anti-drug wave of 80′s gaming. Kids wanted violence. Parents wanted a wholesome message. Games like NARC and Code Name: Viper were early attempts to occupy the unfathomably ambiguous overlap in the following Venn Diagram:

The ruse doesn’t work so well now as it did then. Even though the Haitians in GTA: Vice City were ostensibly bad guys and clearly identified as all drug dealers, the following lines of dialog seemed to raise the ire of peaceful Haitian communities around the world:

• “Kill all the Haitians, they are all drug dealers.”
• “I hate these Haitians.”
• “Stinking nest of Haitians. We gonna kill them all. Kill all the Haitians.”
• “Shoot them (the Haitians) in the head.”

Go figure…

Jesse Koester is a producer working in Tokyo. His work can be seen at www.iceblockfilms.com. Jesse’s clone resides in Russia and goes by the moniker Dendy.

Genre
Puzzle

Dominant Algorithm
Brick-drop/Brick-lift/Brick-lay/Brick-move/Brick-get/Brick-destroy/Brick-Justkillme

Gameplay
Wario has hollowed out the trees in his forest and filled them with different-colored rodents that can be blown up with like-colored bombs (or, occasionally, diamonds). The core of the game bares a strong resemblance to Dr. Mario (and every other brick-drop puzzler on the NES). The biggest difference is that Toad, controlled by the player, waits at the bottom of the brick-well and is able to move the pieces around in an effort to clear bricks.

Invaluable Lessons
1) Rodents and viral infections are destroyed in similar ways.

2) The End ain’t the end. After the credits roll, you’re back to work bombing again. As soon as you finish a project, you are on to the next thing and don’t be surprised if it’s a lot like the last thing but more difficult.

3) Beware those with names that are just normal names but with the first letter replaced with a ‘W’. If I ever meet a Wesse, I will punch him forth-right and without remorse.

Sure. Why not? The difficulty in the final stages is absolutely unforgiving. That being said, you won’t be grinding your thumbs down. The controls are too loose for that (Toad takes his good old time picking up bricks). But, you will get really tired of Wario crashing into the tree causing bombs and bugs rain down on you.

Relevance Satellite to the Paradigm Shift from my Youth
This game occupies a morally gray area in the Mario canon. Why on earth is Toad blowing up all these cute little rodents? It is absolutely and needlessly hostile.

I got into this game for a week or two in high school. I did that the exact same week I picked up a copy of Stupid Stupid Stupid by Black Grape. The two now co-exist under a Pavlovian link in my brain. When I see those bombs fall, I can still hear Snakes Eyes and Daddy Was A Baddy echoing in my head.

Here is the first track off that record. Enjoy. I know you will.

Jesse Koester is a film producer working in Tokyo. His work can be found at www.iceblockfilms.com. Jesse is equipped with a a front-loading zero insertion force (ZIF) cartridge socket and this is NOT a design flaw.

Genre
Action

Dominant Algorithm
Run & Jump Rail Shooter/Have Headache

Game-play
You are tasked with running through 8 worlds, each broken down into 4 parts. As you traverse these fantasy worlds, you must jump over pits, blast baddies with your fireballs, and collect power-ups like stars and mushrooms. At the end of each world is a boss, stronger and scarier than anything you have fought up until that point.

Nope. Not that one. Let’s try again…

Welcome to Visual Hell!!!

Spend all the time you like. There is no technology or intellectual process that can decipher the visual catastrophe that is 3D World Runner in 3D. Generously, the programmers included a 2D mode in the game when it was released which distinguishes itself from the 3D mode by being playable.

Sweetness
Interesting perspective and clever programming give the game a really nice feel. The controls are smooth enough and the sound you hear when you collect a star is cute.

Weakness
Incredibly boring and repetitive. A lot of these early games were as much experiments in programming as they were attempts to make an engaging experience. This one leans heavily on the ‘development’ side of the equation.

Invaluable Lessons:

1) In Mario, mushrooms give you more power. In 3D World Runner, they hurt you. From this I learned that the world is a complicated place and we must study hard to understand the differences between healthy mushrooms and poisonous ones.

2) Don’t be quick to judge. While the 3D mode looks like something a donkey puked at the state fair, you shouldn’t write it off completely. In the upper levels, you will fight invisible enemies. Switching to 3D will betray their position on the screen.

3) Stepping on a frog’s head will launch you into a super jump.

Still Fun?
Not really. With the thrill of 3D having been well worn on every console since the NES, this game is reduced feeling like a tech demo for tech that is utterly useless now. I wonder how Fantavision will fare in 20 years. Probably none-the-better.

Relevance Satellite to the Paradigm Shift from my Youth
It’s important to remember that the Famicom and NES marked an unexpected revival of home-gaming. While the company was seeing its boom, many young programming firms were trying to find their place in the gaming world. Before Square was creating the greatest RPGs our species has ever seen, they were making incredibly mediocre action games and this is among that set.

But, this diversion was to be short lived. In the same year that 3D World Runner was released, the three main programmers on that project also developed and released Final Fantasy. Although 3D World Runner saw one sequel in Japan, I think it’s pretty easy to assess which franchise took off.

Genre
Action

Dominant Algorithm
Environment Exploration/Yo-yo Violence

Game-play
You control Michael “Mikey” Walsh as he traverses the excitement/mystery of caves in search of his lost brethren (who, incidentally, never say ‘die’). You are armed with a yo-yo at the beginning, but your arsenal expands as you progress through winding shacks, caves, and mazes.

The platforming elements are all standard; enemies range from insects to pistol-armed humans, falling down pits yields death, comrades are rescued, jumps must be precisely timed, and so on. Occasionally, you get to explore door-mazes where you find new items and weapons. These are all standard ingredients, but they are well-mixed at the hands of Konami’s programmers.

Sweetness
Cindy Lauper’s tie-in pop song sounds incredible rendered 8-bit. Dare I say, it’s even more at home pumping through an 8-bit sound chip than with full studio production. Also, Konami games on the NES were masterpieces of difficulty scales. From your first movements to the final battle, the challenges ramp like poetry.

Weakness
Door mazes. Endless, stupid door mazes. There is nothing exciting about a door maze. Even regular mazes lean towards the mundane. But, door mazes? The worst~

Invaluable Lessons:
2) You don’t need a part 1 to enjoy part 2.
3) If you punch a wall with your fist and a prize doesn’t come out, try using a hammer.
4) There is never a need to check translations, even on major franchises:

Ahhh... the joys of hitting wise old men!

Here is where the heart is.

Hurrah indeed!

Still Fun?
Absolutely. The game is more fun now than it was then. Readily available FAQs do away with the ultimately boring trial-and-error of the door mazes and let you enjoy the tight action and detailed design. Good programming is still good two decades later. Also, your reward for completing the game is a naked mermaid.

Relevance Satellite to the Paradigm Shift from my Youth
Goonies 2 for the NES was a slight anomaly. The first game was only released in Japan, an astute decision as Part 1 is basically identical Part 2 in every way except that it’s not as good. This wasn’t the only time that chronology was lost in translation (Doki Doki Panic, Final Fantasy VI).

Furthermore, it’s relevant as Astoria celebrates the 25th anniversary of the film this year. Congratulations, Astoria! You were home to something truly special.

While fan-art for the game is scarce, the movie has its loyal contributors:

A day in the cave

More fun in the cave!

An interesting piece of data~

Brevity is key. That is: Thanks for being, brief.

Augmented Reality - Old Skool Style!

Jesse Koester is a film producer working in Tokyo whose work can be found at www.iceblockfilms.com. Jesse dreams in 48 colors and 5 shades of gray with up to 24 unique colors on a single scan line.

Genre
Boxing

Dominant Algorithm
Stimulus/Timed Reaction

Game-play
You control Little Mac, an ambitious boxer with dreams of the big time. Getting him there involves winning matches against increasingly strong/fast/intellectually complicated enemies. The controls are simple: Outside of the punching and dodging, there isn’t much but occasional button mashing to wake Little Mac up in the event he’s KO’ed.

Sweetness
When the mountains of boxing power you are forced to face finally tumble. The animation and sense of achievement are fantastic.

Weakness
Difficulty, as per most 8-bit games, ramps way too high before the game is over.

Invaluable Life Lessons Which I Still Apply To This Day
1) Attacks are frequently preceded by erratic behavior or needless grandstanding.
2) The little guy has a chance if he works hard at his goals.
3) Coaches pedal. Heros run.

Still Fun?
Yes. Until you get to King Hippo. I can’t remember how to beat him.

Relevance Satellite to the Paradigm Shift from my Youth
Technically, the game was a mile-stone achievement for the hardware. The character sprites are massive and they are all lovingly rendered with humor and incredible attention to detail. Such attention to detail is only possible through their sheer size, a result of some clever programming techniques.

Fan Art Roundup (click on the image to visit the artist’s homepage)

The Cast by Dan Schoening

Civilian Clothing by Karniz

The Last Supper by Tim Doyle

Customized by Fugazi